Today marks the last day of my chemotherapy. Eight agonising, tiring, and nauseating 3-week cycles of healing by slowly killing yourself, err, i mean your cells.
Cycle 8 has been relatively kind to me. I didn't have to undergo infusion so it was just 2 weeks of Xeloda tablets. Not that it was a walk in the park, it wasn't at all. There was still the constant nausea and diarrhea, but the more challenging part this time was the worsening peripheral neuropathy. That's when the peripheral nerves get too affected by the chemo drugs that the nerve endings, particularly around the fingers and soles of the feet, start to get unusual and extreme sensations like numbness, tingling (pins and needles), pain, and oversensitivy. In short, they become useless.
It's a bit difficult to describe. It's numbness and pain at the same time. Like totally senseless on the outside but painfully tender on the inside - just like mentos (tough on the outside, chewy on the inside). There's no sensation at the tip of the fingers so I can't feel what I'm touching. Yet, as soon as I put a slightest bit of pressure, it starts to hurt right under my fingernails like they are going to break. The best analogy I can make is when you accidentally hammer your fingers. The tip of the fingers feels swollen and throbbing but somewhat numb from any sensations. Yet as soon as you touch it or use your fingers you get an enormous amount of pain.
I was already feeling a little of it during cycle 7, but it gradually worsened as I started cycle 8. It's now bad enough that it's starting to be disabling. For example, I can't button or un-button shirts anymore, specially kids' shirts (the smaller the buttons, the more difficult and painful they are). It's difficult to write with pens now and even starting to hurt when I press on the phone's screen. Popping out tablets from the pack is not easy anymore. Opening a can of softdrinks is already practically impossible. Same with opening up plastic bags, specially those zippy-lock types. Picking up small things like coins or toothpicks is frustratingly difficult. And even using cotton buds to clean my ears is too painful to do.
But it's not all negative. I can still do a lot of things I enjoy. I can play basketball which I've been doing twice a week the whole course of my chemo, save for the week that I was hospitalized. Surprisingly, I can still play both guitar and piano. They hurt a bit but I don't care. I'm also fine with typing on the keyboard as I'm doing now. So I still get to work and life pretty much goes on like normal.
The doctor said it's a common side-effect, especially for platinum-based chemo. It'll take a few months before it completely goes away. For now, I will just be my childish self always asking Mommy to help me button my shirt.
